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| I guess I didn't realize how aweful this site's sort of become. At least with facebook I could adjust, but all the new fangled who ha's I just don' like em. I enjoyed the days when all you could do was post a picture or a sentence, from the opening window. And there was only ever solid colored backgrounds for the free members. And premium for a year was 25$ that I somehow spent two years in a row when I was 15.
I miss single eprops, and the mass amount of comments you would get. And I miss the influx of 19 of them fucking every day.
Or maybe I just kind of want to be that kid again lol; yeah thats probably it. When this fucking site was my facebook, and everybody was on it by junior year. And drama would come from Tim Langenburgs "stories" of people with fake names, and we'd all talk about it in the courtyard at lunch.
And make fun of Dan Nesbit for waiting to have his first kiss at marriage, which he often wrote about.
Oh and telling people you liked them allusively, or whatever the fuck happened.
I do miss playing saxaphone. Not band. I miss not sitting in third row in front of Sara and Nora and Eva and Ross and I drawing inappropriate quotes and stick figures doing it on our sheet music. That and making fun of a certain soprano saxaphone who just never really could not sound like total shit. -Thats the anonymous part of xanga.
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| I cannot fucking believe without the begrudgingly long period a year or so ago when I quit this thing, that I would let two months past when I didn't need it.
-its amazing how much I thought I needed something, and then to be only so busy you can't use it; well thats just another thing to think about.
I'm doing absolutely shit as a student; lucky for me my major and point of study requires 0-shit-absofucking-nothing talent to get by in; thus I can get away with the best gene I was given by my mother; the ability to bullshit my way through any and everything.
-converse with phd's about the 19th century development of telegraph wires through the midwest...and you don't ever have to read a god damned page of worthless self preserving epic quotes that some author wrote on a topic he knew someday he'd be researched for.
you know who I'm talking about Davidson Krakauer.
-in other words live
I am.
well I mean privately
on the exterior I appear normal and nonconvulsing
-and on the inside I'm alive.
I want to be a housewife; whats so wrong with that; I want to be a house wife, and thats just where I'm at.
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| well baby I was datin' Sarah Scranton all summer,
she was worth a whirl and half a pretty good lover,
but she turned on the faucet and the crazy came out,
now all I got left is my sanity and an empty bank account well,
thats just the way things are sorta goin these days.
well maybe just a fluke I figured other fish were in the sea
so I start to goin' fishin' but the powers that be
have all got their greedy greasy, hooks in me
and I'm forever going to be chasing happy,
and thats why I'm finally giving up on love.
cause lately I've been feeling so god damn useless
and theres nothing in my closet left to wear
and I've perfected the art of lame excuses,
but their ain't no one around left at all to care.
and I'm sure theres a pattern to this manic behavior,
If only I had decoder ring to decode.
and you chalk it off to I'm just searchin' for my savior,
and nicotine just's another bump in the road.
well I was thinkin bout the day I knew I didn't love you
anymore I took you out we saw a horror sequel chapter four.
You told me that you weren't a fan of all the blood the guts and gore
and thats about where you could hear my dog eared heart had hit the floor
i guess decapitations an acquired taste
but as I drove you home you told me thanks for last night it was great
but I couldn't remember a single thing we did or said,
I guess I let the alcohol take over my head,
and my charm and sexual frustration led you straight back to my bed,
thank god for the night so you couldn't see my face.
cause lately I've been feeling so goddamn useless,
like I'm tuning out everyone that I know
and I've perfected the art of lame excuses,
cause I'll always say I love you when I dont
and I'm sure there's a reason repressed from my childhood
if only I had a therapist to talk to
but no therapy 'cept for 'lectric would do any mild good,
so just I'll settle back into just hurting you.
cause lately I've been thinking bout all my past relationships
and my heart hurts
cause I see how I have cheated on every damn one
with various partners.
and I dont know why I seem content to fill anyone I know
with woe, woe woe.
with woe, woe woe,
i know, know, know
that it won't, wont, won't
let go, go go,
this woe, woe,
woe.
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| I don't know where I've been lately. Its amazing. I've been doing everything. I don't sleep much anymore but I also don't really need to. Today I was setting the alarm from 10:30 which is a direct haha in everyone's faces who has a job, but I woke up at 9 after only like 5 hours of sleep the night before ready to go. I'm not rested mind you...my eyes are still tired and my muscles ache...but my mind wont quit. So I'm cleaning and paying overdue parking tickets and managing my money somewhat better, although momentarily more poorly. I'm seeing friends. and if you read this and thin kI havn't seen that fucker well let me know by a call. Kayla I forgot to save you new number.
I wrote a lot of stories in the last two weeks
like a shit ton
or at least major portions of their treatments
and a few chapters here and there
took care of every detail of the fellas yesterday
and saw Get Smart.
its amazing I don't feel any better,
but god damn it if I didn't feel motivated.
THUNDERCATS ARE GOOOOOOOOO!!!!
its off to go trim some old lady's bush...i love my always outside in the summer crackin jokes at nicotene addicted granny's job.
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| somebody talked to somebody and now that somebody's not allowed to mix new meds with alcohol. so better moods and no drinking; yep sounds like old is returning after all.
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